We here at howawesomeisthat.com don't usually claim to be experts on technology. I mean, we are huge nerds and all, but unlike most nerds we don't focus on the hobbyist aspects of dorkotry such as computer roleplaying or other such nonsense. We instead like to center our nerdliness around more of the social aspects of geekdom, such as making girls avoid us, getting beat up, masturbating, acting smart while actually not knowing the first fuck about what we're saying, and also masturbating. Hell, the closest thing to an mp3 player any of us own is a vintage 1984 sony walkman with the word "Hi-Teknowlogee" scratched into it with a switchblade. However, even with our lack of expertise in the field of technology, we do know lame when we see it, and there is nothing more lame than the pearly-white monstrosity of the music world known to the general public as the iPod, but known to the awesome elite as "a pile of shit in a plastic case that makes pretty sounds come out".

Now, you may think that up to this point all that's been said has merely being opinion and conjecture with no real fact, and you'd be a rude asshole for saying that without reading the whole article first, jackass. We did not intend to merely scream opinion for a paragraph and call it a night, we have compiled a feature-by-feature guide of how lame the iPod really is. First off, the general look of the device, since this is what Apple seems to be relying on as opposed to actual usability. In a stunning display of risk-taking and inginuity, Apple went with a dazzlingly plain white and grey color scheme, which aside from having the possibility of boring (or laming) any potential user to death, means that you'll need to pack it away after Labor Day or risk being attacked in a back alley by a coked-up Joan Rivers, which is a hell of a price to pay for wanting to bring that Stryper ballad with you wherever you go. At this point I can hear you chirping from your well-broken-into swivel chairs "But hey! The iPod looks really gay, and isn't homesexuality pretty butt-fucking awesome?" Well yeah, the iPod looks kinda gay, but not REALLY gay. If you wanted to go for a REALLY gay mp3 player, just go snag yourself one of those Perv-Corp brand mp3 player/ass dildos, ain't nothing gayer than plugging your earbuds into the tip of an eight-inch long silicon penis with a waterproof LCD screen where the balls should be.

After seeing their absolutely atrocious outward design, you'd figure that since the iPod sells so well, it must have absolutely awesome features compared to other mp3 players in the usability department, but you'd be wrong. DEAD WRONG. First let's look at battery life, an issue which is especially important to those who travel a lot and my not be able to sit down long enough to fully charge all of their extravagantly useless gizmos. Most mp3 players on the market nowadays offer play time of at least 15 hours. In some cases they can offer as much as 24. The iPod on the other hand, murders your children while you sleep, and then when you wake up only has about an hour of play time left. Clearly the iPod loses this round. Next we come to the user interface, even the most useful of devices can fail because of a difficult to use interface that doesn't take full advantage of the product. The iPod's is one of these. The GUI is mediocre at best, absolutely fucking lame and useless at worse. It offers very few features to organize your playlists and arrange specific files compared to most other players, and the actual button control scheme stands out as both unremarkable, and quite Satanic in design. The front control panel is obviously designed after a pentagram, and when the scroll feature is utilized by spinning the wheel on the front of the device, it is merely a matter of chanting a few misplaced words in latin and BAM, looks like you summoned yourself up one pissed off demon. Hope you brushed on your DOOM skills before you decided to listen to that new Bryan Adams single.

In conclusion: silhouettes of U2 suck almost as much as the real U2. Seriously, stop letting them on tv.